dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
