The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
My vagina just clenched in fear
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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