Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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