I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
