to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
