my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
