saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
