He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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