I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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