I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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