A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
