Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
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