There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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