***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
