She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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