i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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