can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize