Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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