very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
