my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
