Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
