Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Randomize
