i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
