cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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