my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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