Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
The air was thick with penises
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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