this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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