It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
