So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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