Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
