my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize