My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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