My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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