But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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