Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Michael Bay diarrhea
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
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