Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
