dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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