I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
