He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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