she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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