I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
