If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
