trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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