i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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