I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize