I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
