You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
