of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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