it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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