I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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