i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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