Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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