dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
PANTIES FOUND
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
