Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
i just google imaged poop.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
