Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
