sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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