is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize