did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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