Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
