I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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