the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
