Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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