I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
