This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
