I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
My Higher Power is John Stamos
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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