I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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