Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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