We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
